FEB 2019 Reflections

Hey Friends

As you may have seen if you have been following me, in the last couple years
I’ve been engaging alot in personal development, stepping out of my comfort zone, commiting to my growth and healing trapped trauma.

Ive worked on releasing and processing my emotions, exploring my spirituality and reprogramming my subconscious mind as a way to overcome anxiety, depression, let go of toxic relationships, self sabotage, addiction and pain

Ive also been rediscovering how to have fun and enjoy life.

I opened up in my facebook communities mid last year to share vunerable moments that have shapped who I am and where I’m at today.

I believe that sharing and acknowledging our struggles brings us together to connect even deeper, it breaks down the barrier of standoffishness and feeling alone.

When we realise that this human experience is more than just a highlight reel on social media or “yolo good times”..

We are able to get honest, vunerable and strip back the layers of social conditioning to break down the walls of protection we create which directly closes us off from growth, emotional freedom and authentic deep and meaningful connection

We take off our masks, we drop the need for alcohol or stimulants to prompt a deep conversation.

We get REAL

Using our awareness we lean into the discomfort that comes with our journey as spiritual beings having a human experience and we share it.

ITS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL

Anyways I want to let you know how ironic it was that my top strengths and best qualities perceived by you guys were actually things that I wished I had more of my entire life.

NEWS FLASH

These are not natural talents or things I was born with.
These have been cultivated over years of trial and error. Most importantly these have come from never giving up

1. Confidence
2. Strength
3. Determination
4. Courageousness
5. Balance
6. Calm
7. Strong
8. Motivated
9. Positive
10. Expressive

From being as small as I can remember, I was an anxious wreck and living in constant fear.

I came into the world feet first and was delivered by emergency c section

People said I was shy, reserved and extremely polite. I did not want to piss people off or step on any toes

I couldnt go anywhere by myself and had thoughts run through my mind of the worse possible thing that could happen if I attempted to do anything.

Essentially this was partly conditioning from my upbringing and it made me view the world as a dark evil place to be terrified of
This made my childhood a sad one. I was bullied at school for being weird and not like other kids. I wasnt allowed on school trips or anything that my parents deemed “inappropriate” we were strict christians and it made it hard for me to connect with my peers

I was scared of my dad and I often wished my parents would break up so we could live without confrontation, fights or the house getting smashed up. He was a heavy drinker.

At one point I felt so uncomfortable and disconnected around my family I convinced myself I was adopted.
I actually told people I was.

This caused me a great deal of internal conflict and identity issues down the track. It took me a long time to forgive my parents and resentment was something I held tightly
* disclaimer * our relationship now is better than ever, we are a close supportive family who love each other unconditionally.

By 12 years old I developed an eating disorder, I would either starve myself or binge then throw up. I had complete body dismorphia. I felt scared, alone , ugly and this was the only way I could feel incontrol over anything that was happening in my life

The lack of self love, confidence and feeling alienated lead me down a path of traumatic experiences that would lead to a major deterioration in my mental health, suicide attempts, leaving home at 16, living rough on the streets or with older men, drugged up, raped, chronic self harm etc

In 2012 I got into a relationship that would haunt me for the next 6 years.

At this stage I was in a good place. I’d seen numerous counsillers, a life coach, I’d delt with a cancer scare (cervical cancer, had cancerous cells removed in 2011)
I’d been overseas on my first trip, I represented my hairdressing academy in their tv advert.
I was still thin but i looked healthy and beautiful, my eyes shone bright even though I did not understand self love and was deeply insecure, I was doing great considering what I had been through

This relationship was a fatal attraction with a man 10 years older than me, he seemed exciting and promised adventure.

3 months in I found myself getting broken down again. He would drink heavily and the keen youngster I was, I always tried to keep up. First off he would only get abusive when we were drunk, soon enough it seeped into everyday life.

I discovered he had been smoking methamphetamine at least 3 days a week behind my back.
He would lie to me and go and smoke P at his “girl mates” houses or with his roofer workmates
I would sit at home alone crying wondering why I wasnt good enough. He would turn his phone off and I would be left in complete panic and dismay

This completely destroyed my self worth and we got into constant fights and arguements over it.
In his eyes he wasnt doing anything wrong. He would get angry and defensive and flip out in a nasty rage. I would often come out worse off

I wanted to get away from him, I knew I had to. I didnt feel like myself. I became a shell of a person and would find myself crying and having panic attacks almost daily.

My parents knew something was wrong.
I told my parents the absoulte truth. They told me they were scared that one day he would flip out and kill me

The more I tried to pull away, the tighter he got his grip into me.
I ended up submissing alot to keep the peace. I was scared and completely out of my depth.

I had traded any self love, self worth, intuition and self respect for codependancy.

I worked hard to get away from this abusive relationship but having so much unheal pain from my past, he played on it.

How could anyone else ever love me?
How could any other guy put up with me?
You will regret breaking up with me, ill make sure of it, he would say
He would threaten to hurt me and my family if I did not comply. I felt the only strength I had at the time was to play along and keep the peace

I worked hard in the background on my confidence, I was determined to better myself to move away and forward from this draining, emotional prison I was trapped in.

I tried everything to rid myself of this sovereign.
Losing myself every so often in a world of darkness, supression, numbing and seeing the only way out as a sacrifice of myself. It was a cycle, a pattern. It repeated over and over.

The definition of insanity

Everytime I would break away and be doing great. He would turn up brand new and prey on my postive outlook and willingness to get along. We would get along for a week two max then it was back to verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

A couple of times I moved on from him and started new relationships.

He would turn up at my house after blowing up my phone, take me in his car in the middle of the night and threaten to drop me out west .
I would be screaming and crying trying to break free. One time I pulled up his handbrake and he smashed me in the face because I could have “wrecked” his car

He would taunt me saying I have no one to come save me.

* I did things within the relationship I was not proud of, I lost my sense of self and was merely surviving. I have taken responsibility for my part played in the exchange and worked through the guilt shame, regret and self loathing that had always crept its way back in *

I developed PTSD and agoraphobia. I took refuge in a perscription pill addiction and smoked weed each night to stop the nightmares that had me reliving my trauma.

Each time I promised myself not to give up. I prayed so much and cried to God every night, there was always a response and sometimes I discredited my better judgement. I did not know how to trust myself.

These would become valuable lessons

I turned the force of my pain into my greatest driver.
I had been to hell and back and I wore my courage like a crown

I started my own business, I completed different courses to try new things and upskilled.
I saved up and went on solo overseas trips, I invested time and energy in friendships and re built my relationships within my family.
I got fit, strong and healthy, I willingly showed up and helped others in need.
I started to leave the house and meet new people

Anything to get away from the constant reminder that I wasnt good enough and no one would love or accept me if they really knew what had been going on.

I always put on a brave front and I threw myself into work as I enjoyed holding space for others, making them look and feel good. This was my purpose that drove my passion and I was 100% commited

Finally after getting my life back slowly, I have found love.

Love within myself

A deep care and respect for all that I am
I have worked hard to change my perspective on the world and not fear it.
I have forgivness for myself and those who have wronged me.
I forgave myself for not putting my saftey and happiness first

I feel a deep gratitude, joy and abundance in the freedom I have in my life today

In the last year I have met the most incredible people as I have stepped out of my comfort zone to attend workshops that have assisted my healing and connection to my soul and source of the universe.

I finally feel in a place where I can be my authentic self and not have to hide behind a smile or seek supression and numbing

I genuinley feel happy without reason

Ive had many coaches, mentors and lifelines along my journey
I am deeply grateful for and believe the universe placed them directly in my path at the time I needed them the most.

This has reignited my passion, after hairdressing for 10 years, I feel my career evolving deeper as I sink into who I am and the experiences thay have shaped me

In the last year I have worked with 2 different coaches, completed numerous programmes, attended a life coaching and NLP certified course.
Immersed myself in free courses on nutrition, psychology, web design, becoming a better facilitator and trainer

I have a huge interest in energy healing, yoga, mind body spirit connection,higher consciousness, emotions, the human nervous system, plant based living, herb medicines, mindset and subconscious programming, to name a few!

I have stepped into a teacher, leader and coaching role not only in my personal life but in my friendships, family and online community. I want to culitivate this strength just as I have cultivated others in the past.

This is continual and on going personal development, growth and by better understanding and applying what I’ve learnt to my own life I can better understand and empower others

I believe knowledge is power and applied knowledge is freedom

I have been working with clients and friends empowering them to cultivate their strength, determination and courage to reach their goals and live their best lives

We talk about health, mindset, abundance, developing intuition, breathing techniques for stress/ anxiety and grounding them so they can make empowered descions

I love what Im doing and I want to declear that this is the year I take the leap into the unknown and launch my soulful business.

I would like to thank you for taking time to read this, engaging and supporting my journey.

Im so excited for what this year has install and I’m giving it 111%

Are you ready to step into your power and transform your current situation into your best life yet??

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *