Breakdown to the Breakthrough Podcast Interview

People often think it’s weak to speak about your Mental Health. It seems clear to me that the total opposite is true. It takes Strength and courage to look at those uncomfortable areas of your mind and life. That, to me, is fucking Empowering.

To those of you out there Dusting off those darker areas of your mind and letting that shit go…. I APPRECIATE YOU.

And, to those who are willing to talk about their story so that others might relate and free themselves from the baggage of the past….

You are fucking boss… You inspire me..

In this Kinked Podcast:

Milly Molly McMurdock, the founder of Milly Molly’s Medicine Collective – speaks with Georgie about how her career has evolved in tune with her lifestyle, first noticing that people felt comfortable opening up to her and showing their vulnerability.

This led to Milly developing her unique business that combines aesthetic beauty with inner beauty for a holistic approach to Mind and Body health. Milly supports women through 1:1 breakthrough sessions and women’s circles. She offers guidance and support to all that reach out to her. Her love for the wellbeing of others is clear throughout her work.

Milly discusses her journey to a deeper level in her spirituality including an experience with the Psychedelic DMT and a 3 months isolation period in 2018.

Milly discusses how she spent this time opening doors in her “inner house” that needed dusting and reorganising. She shares the tools that she uses in these times of looking deeper knowing that her story will be relatable and guide others.

The tools that Milly speaks of can be found in a document on the podcast instagram @Kinkedwellness. This is a keepsake as a reminder that there are tools and people out there holding space and willing to support you through this process.

We need more people to go deeper and get rid of that baggage so that we can live happier, more present and sustainable lives.

If you can relate to this and enjoyed it let us know! Your feedback is invaluable.

Links:
to Milly’s website:
https://millymollymc.com/

Kinked Wellness Social Media
https://www.instagram.com/kinkedwellness/

Spotify Playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/show/2aE1ePvyd1I2AP28wkSKaw

Youtube: if you want to see our faces:
https://youtu.be/m-S_lQ3a97g

Music by:
https://soundcloud.com/impurity-1

FEB 2019 Reflections

Hey Friends

As you may have seen if you have been following me, in the last couple years
I’ve been engaging alot in personal development, stepping out of my comfort zone, commiting to my growth and healing trapped trauma.

Ive worked on releasing and processing my emotions, exploring my spirituality and reprogramming my subconscious mind as a way to overcome anxiety, depression, let go of toxic relationships, self sabotage, addiction and pain

Ive also been rediscovering how to have fun and enjoy life.

I opened up in my facebook communities mid last year to share vunerable moments that have shapped who I am and where I’m at today.

I believe that sharing and acknowledging our struggles brings us together to connect even deeper, it breaks down the barrier of standoffishness and feeling alone.

When we realise that this human experience is more than just a highlight reel on social media or “yolo good times”..

We are able to get honest, vunerable and strip back the layers of social conditioning to break down the walls of protection we create which directly closes us off from growth, emotional freedom and authentic deep and meaningful connection

We take off our masks, we drop the need for alcohol or stimulants to prompt a deep conversation.

We get REAL

Using our awareness we lean into the discomfort that comes with our journey as spiritual beings having a human experience and we share it.

ITS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL

Anyways I want to let you know how ironic it was that my top strengths and best qualities perceived by you guys were actually things that I wished I had more of my entire life.

NEWS FLASH

These are not natural talents or things I was born with.
These have been cultivated over years of trial and error. Most importantly these have come from never giving up

1. Confidence
2. Strength
3. Determination
4. Courageousness
5. Balance
6. Calm
7. Strong
8. Motivated
9. Positive
10. Expressive

From being as small as I can remember, I was an anxious wreck and living in constant fear.

I came into the world feet first and was delivered by emergency c section

People said I was shy, reserved and extremely polite. I did not want to piss people off or step on any toes

I couldnt go anywhere by myself and had thoughts run through my mind of the worse possible thing that could happen if I attempted to do anything.

Essentially this was partly conditioning from my upbringing and it made me view the world as a dark evil place to be terrified of
This made my childhood a sad one. I was bullied at school for being weird and not like other kids. I wasnt allowed on school trips or anything that my parents deemed “inappropriate” we were strict christians and it made it hard for me to connect with my peers

I was scared of my dad and I often wished my parents would break up so we could live without confrontation, fights or the house getting smashed up. He was a heavy drinker.

At one point I felt so uncomfortable and disconnected around my family I convinced myself I was adopted.
I actually told people I was.

This caused me a great deal of internal conflict and identity issues down the track. It took me a long time to forgive my parents and resentment was something I held tightly
* disclaimer * our relationship now is better than ever, we are a close supportive family who love each other unconditionally.

By 12 years old I developed an eating disorder, I would either starve myself or binge then throw up. I had complete body dismorphia. I felt scared, alone , ugly and this was the only way I could feel incontrol over anything that was happening in my life

The lack of self love, confidence and feeling alienated lead me down a path of traumatic experiences that would lead to a major deterioration in my mental health, suicide attempts, leaving home at 16, living rough on the streets or with older men, drugged up, raped, chronic self harm etc

In 2012 I got into a relationship that would haunt me for the next 6 years.

At this stage I was in a good place. I’d seen numerous counsillers, a life coach, I’d delt with a cancer scare (cervical cancer, had cancerous cells removed in 2011)
I’d been overseas on my first trip, I represented my hairdressing academy in their tv advert.
I was still thin but i looked healthy and beautiful, my eyes shone bright even though I did not understand self love and was deeply insecure, I was doing great considering what I had been through

This relationship was a fatal attraction with a man 10 years older than me, he seemed exciting and promised adventure.

3 months in I found myself getting broken down again. He would drink heavily and the keen youngster I was, I always tried to keep up. First off he would only get abusive when we were drunk, soon enough it seeped into everyday life.

I discovered he had been smoking methamphetamine at least 3 days a week behind my back.
He would lie to me and go and smoke P at his “girl mates” houses or with his roofer workmates
I would sit at home alone crying wondering why I wasnt good enough. He would turn his phone off and I would be left in complete panic and dismay

This completely destroyed my self worth and we got into constant fights and arguements over it.
In his eyes he wasnt doing anything wrong. He would get angry and defensive and flip out in a nasty rage. I would often come out worse off

I wanted to get away from him, I knew I had to. I didnt feel like myself. I became a shell of a person and would find myself crying and having panic attacks almost daily.

My parents knew something was wrong.
I told my parents the absoulte truth. They told me they were scared that one day he would flip out and kill me

The more I tried to pull away, the tighter he got his grip into me.
I ended up submissing alot to keep the peace. I was scared and completely out of my depth.

I had traded any self love, self worth, intuition and self respect for codependancy.

I worked hard to get away from this abusive relationship but having so much unheal pain from my past, he played on it.

How could anyone else ever love me?
How could any other guy put up with me?
You will regret breaking up with me, ill make sure of it, he would say
He would threaten to hurt me and my family if I did not comply. I felt the only strength I had at the time was to play along and keep the peace

I worked hard in the background on my confidence, I was determined to better myself to move away and forward from this draining, emotional prison I was trapped in.

I tried everything to rid myself of this sovereign.
Losing myself every so often in a world of darkness, supression, numbing and seeing the only way out as a sacrifice of myself. It was a cycle, a pattern. It repeated over and over.

The definition of insanity

Everytime I would break away and be doing great. He would turn up brand new and prey on my postive outlook and willingness to get along. We would get along for a week two max then it was back to verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

A couple of times I moved on from him and started new relationships.

He would turn up at my house after blowing up my phone, take me in his car in the middle of the night and threaten to drop me out west .
I would be screaming and crying trying to break free. One time I pulled up his handbrake and he smashed me in the face because I could have “wrecked” his car

He would taunt me saying I have no one to come save me.

* I did things within the relationship I was not proud of, I lost my sense of self and was merely surviving. I have taken responsibility for my part played in the exchange and worked through the guilt shame, regret and self loathing that had always crept its way back in *

I developed PTSD and agoraphobia. I took refuge in a perscription pill addiction and smoked weed each night to stop the nightmares that had me reliving my trauma.

Each time I promised myself not to give up. I prayed so much and cried to God every night, there was always a response and sometimes I discredited my better judgement. I did not know how to trust myself.

These would become valuable lessons

I turned the force of my pain into my greatest driver.
I had been to hell and back and I wore my courage like a crown

I started my own business, I completed different courses to try new things and upskilled.
I saved up and went on solo overseas trips, I invested time and energy in friendships and re built my relationships within my family.
I got fit, strong and healthy, I willingly showed up and helped others in need.
I started to leave the house and meet new people

Anything to get away from the constant reminder that I wasnt good enough and no one would love or accept me if they really knew what had been going on.

I always put on a brave front and I threw myself into work as I enjoyed holding space for others, making them look and feel good. This was my purpose that drove my passion and I was 100% commited

Finally after getting my life back slowly, I have found love.

Love within myself

A deep care and respect for all that I am
I have worked hard to change my perspective on the world and not fear it.
I have forgivness for myself and those who have wronged me.
I forgave myself for not putting my saftey and happiness first

I feel a deep gratitude, joy and abundance in the freedom I have in my life today

In the last year I have met the most incredible people as I have stepped out of my comfort zone to attend workshops that have assisted my healing and connection to my soul and source of the universe.

I finally feel in a place where I can be my authentic self and not have to hide behind a smile or seek supression and numbing

I genuinley feel happy without reason

Ive had many coaches, mentors and lifelines along my journey
I am deeply grateful for and believe the universe placed them directly in my path at the time I needed them the most.

This has reignited my passion, after hairdressing for 10 years, I feel my career evolving deeper as I sink into who I am and the experiences thay have shaped me

In the last year I have worked with 2 different coaches, completed numerous programmes, attended a life coaching and NLP certified course.
Immersed myself in free courses on nutrition, psychology, web design, becoming a better facilitator and trainer

I have a huge interest in energy healing, yoga, mind body spirit connection,higher consciousness, emotions, the human nervous system, plant based living, herb medicines, mindset and subconscious programming, to name a few!

I have stepped into a teacher, leader and coaching role not only in my personal life but in my friendships, family and online community. I want to culitivate this strength just as I have cultivated others in the past.

This is continual and on going personal development, growth and by better understanding and applying what I’ve learnt to my own life I can better understand and empower others

I believe knowledge is power and applied knowledge is freedom

I have been working with clients and friends empowering them to cultivate their strength, determination and courage to reach their goals and live their best lives

We talk about health, mindset, abundance, developing intuition, breathing techniques for stress/ anxiety and grounding them so they can make empowered descions

I love what Im doing and I want to declear that this is the year I take the leap into the unknown and launch my soulful business.

I would like to thank you for taking time to read this, engaging and supporting my journey.

Im so excited for what this year has install and I’m giving it 111%

Are you ready to step into your power and transform your current situation into your best life yet??

In 2018 I spent 3 months in isolation

I had plans
Big plans
Exciting plans
Plans to travel, to earn money and to experience new things

Things that had been in the works for at least a year prior

Rewind to the start of 2018

I was at rock bottom
After a rollercoaster ride in 2016 and 2017
Of sex, drugs and rock n roll
I ended up with a fatal blood infection
After I had been denied treatment by the hospital for a kidney infection

This was a wake up call that the way I was living wasn’t in alignment with who I truly was

I was keeping myself small and numb
I seeked out relationships that were codependent
I numbed myself thinking that I was having fun
But really, deep down
I felt empty, numb and I didn’t recognise or resonate with the person I had become

I had not healed from the relationship I spent 6 toxic years in
Or the one before that, or the one before that
Or the childhood/teenage trauma

I thought my strength came from my ability to carry these burdens alone

I had so many unanswered questions
Loose ends, confusion

I blamed everyone else
I was hurting so badly
Repeating patterns and cycles
I felt dizzy and sick

I couldn’t face my truth
It hurt so bad

Living a double life
Pretending to be happy and healthy but
Dying slowly from the inside
Contemplating suicide or escaping somehow
Mentally, emotionally, physically drained

I knew something had to change
I needed to escape
It was the only way
And so I booked the ticket

In January 2018 I hit rock bottom

The needle that broke the camel’s back was my cat
My cat of 17 years was finally on her way out and had to be put down
I had spent the previous couple of nights getting high and the day she was taken in to the vet was the day I started coming down

She got put down
Anxiety plagued me
I took this hard and every day for the next week I was breaking down crying, feeling like I couldnt breathe, claustrophobic

I knew that something had to change
I could not live with myself

Over the summer I saw alot of Molly and Sid
With my awareness of self this took me into places that affirmed to me I was ready to finally start my healing journey

My soul was calling and I was ready to pick up
I saw things in a different light

After DMT
I was asked by the guardians why I was here
What was I after?
I wanted to know there was something bigger out there for me
Something bigger than the blueprint that I was living out

I was told to go deeper
I had been given opportunities and seen glimpses in the past but I wasn’t ready then

I knew the only way I could get there was to go inward

ALONE

Not using substance, no cheating
I had to work my way there

I started to take my spirituality seriously

I then stumbled across breath work
This was perfect timing, I gave up any other substances in order to journey down this path of healing
I needed to learn to trust my power

I branched out on my healing path and my soul tribe started to show up

I started to show up!

I took myself out of my comfort zone and attended place, workshops and events that my soul requested I go to
Even when it seemed hard or far away or cost money
I did not question it

Once I started doing this, the breakthroughs came rolling in

I had never known what it was like to truly be vulnerable
I did not know how to open up about my truths

I was always the space holder, the friend you’d go to for advice or who just knew the right thing to say
The one who always made things feel better
I always had the perfect answer

I finally got the chance to take off the filter, the mask, put down the load I was carrying and open up my heart and soul to be seen, heard and felt

This cracked me open

I started to cry
I started to scream
To release anger
I opened my heart up to forgiveness
To pleasure and joy
To feel and to know me

Things were flowing in the right direction

I had these plans though.. They were to take me to the otherside of the world

My escape plan

I did not feel like I wanted to escape anymore
But I had these plans and I needed to see where they were going to take me
So I went

I applied for several jobs on my arrival to the Uk
As soon as I got there I got sick straight away
Things started to feel like an uphill battle pretty quickly

I was having nightmares, resurfacing traumas, my mind and body was purging

About 2 weeks in
I got an email, this email alerted me to fraudulent transactions from my account
Someone had skimmed my card
I checked my account and there were hundreds of transactions
I called them to make it stop, but it didn’t stop for at least 2 more days

They froze my card and my account and this is where my isolation journey began

Frozen in space and time
On the other side of the world
No access to money
My health on the edge
Hopes of getting a job crumbling

Nursing my purging body and mind
I decided to continue on with the healing path I started walking earlier that year

I spent 90% of those 3 months in a room
Alone
As the southern hemisphere slept

I meditated
I danced
I exercised
I ate plant based
I fasted
I cried
I purged
I had revelations
I dug deep into who I am
My purpose
My intentions

I acknowledged my pain
I validated myself
I cultivated self love within the imperfect person I am
I broke through my comfort zones
I reached out
I shared
I listened
I learnt

I decide to take this approach
To let go of anything I had known and experienced and to start again
From scratch, as a student of life

A beginner

Everything I did was like I was trying it for the first time
Everything I studied was like I’d never heard of it before
I became like a sponge
Soaking everything in to my psyche

After a lot of external knowledge and learning
I leaned into the feeling of silence
The voice within
The wisdom that was ready to channel through me

Every night I would have these nightmares, flash backs
My whole nervous system was in fight or flight constantly
I was having withdrawals and suffering from complex post traumatic stress

Each day I did things that honoured myself,
That nourished me
That moved me
That freed me

I forgave myself daily
I forgave those that misunderstood me
And those that had wronged me

Each day was different
I felt something different each day
This time I allowed it
I didn’t numb it or ignore it

I felt pain
I felt pleasure
I felt trapped
I felt freedom

The only way out was through
I had to embrace each day for what it was

I recounted all the things I was grateful for as I brushed my teeth
I felt those things touch me throughout my being

The days started to lapse and my conditions improved
I gained strength, I gained confidence, I gained connection

I was so far away from home and all my people but I had never felt so connected

As I opened up more publicly, inside of a facebook community I created. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one going through this transition

This empowered me to dig deeper and share more

Being open to others allowed them to see me
To see parts of themselves within me
To know the hope and the strength that lies within each of us

Although a lot changed for me in those 3 month
I had a long journey of healing ahead

Little did I know it would come in waves
Ebbing and flowing
Up and down
Some days I would want to give up
Some days I would make progress
Some days I would relapse

This isolation period taught me so much

I learnt about myself
I discovered my interests
Acknowledged my talents
My strengths and my wins in life

I learnt how to surrender
How to relax
How to be disciplined
How to love
How to forgive
How to find home within myself

The answers are hidden along the journey and we can only uncover the clues as we go

Its up to us to listen
Its up to us to take action
Its up to us to uncover our own answers

Nothing outside of us can save us

Being alone is not the end of the world

Its just the beginning