In 2018 I spent 3 months in isolation

I had plans
Big plans
Exciting plans
Plans to travel, to earn money and to experience new things

Things that had been in the works for at least a year prior

Rewind to the start of 2018

I was at rock bottom
After a rollercoaster ride in 2016 and 2017
Of sex, drugs and rock n roll
I ended up with a fatal blood infection
After I had been denied treatment by the hospital for a kidney infection

This was a wake up call that the way I was living wasn’t in alignment with who I truly was

I was keeping myself small and numb
I seeked out relationships that were codependent
I numbed myself thinking that I was having fun
But really, deep down
I felt empty, numb and I didn’t recognise or resonate with the person I had become

I had not healed from the relationship I spent 6 toxic years in
Or the one before that, or the one before that
Or the childhood/teenage trauma

I thought my strength came from my ability to carry these burdens alone

I had so many unanswered questions
Loose ends, confusion

I blamed everyone else
I was hurting so badly
Repeating patterns and cycles
I felt dizzy and sick

I couldn’t face my truth
It hurt so bad

Living a double life
Pretending to be happy and healthy but
Dying slowly from the inside
Contemplating suicide or escaping somehow
Mentally, emotionally, physically drained

I knew something had to change
I needed to escape
It was the only way
And so I booked the ticket

In January 2018 I hit rock bottom

The needle that broke the camel’s back was my cat
My cat of 17 years was finally on her way out and had to be put down
I had spent the previous couple of nights getting high and the day she was taken in to the vet was the day I started coming down

She got put down
Anxiety plagued me
I took this hard and every day for the next week I was breaking down crying, feeling like I couldnt breathe, claustrophobic

I knew that something had to change
I could not live with myself

Over the summer I saw alot of Molly and Sid
With my awareness of self this took me into places that affirmed to me I was ready to finally start my healing journey

My soul was calling and I was ready to pick up
I saw things in a different light

After DMT
I was asked by the guardians why I was here
What was I after?
I wanted to know there was something bigger out there for me
Something bigger than the blueprint that I was living out

I was told to go deeper
I had been given opportunities and seen glimpses in the past but I wasn’t ready then

I knew the only way I could get there was to go inward

ALONE

Not using substance, no cheating
I had to work my way there

I started to take my spirituality seriously

I then stumbled across breath work
This was perfect timing, I gave up any other substances in order to journey down this path of healing
I needed to learn to trust my power

I branched out on my healing path and my soul tribe started to show up

I started to show up!

I took myself out of my comfort zone and attended place, workshops and events that my soul requested I go to
Even when it seemed hard or far away or cost money
I did not question it

Once I started doing this, the breakthroughs came rolling in

I had never known what it was like to truly be vulnerable
I did not know how to open up about my truths

I was always the space holder, the friend you’d go to for advice or who just knew the right thing to say
The one who always made things feel better
I always had the perfect answer

I finally got the chance to take off the filter, the mask, put down the load I was carrying and open up my heart and soul to be seen, heard and felt

This cracked me open

I started to cry
I started to scream
To release anger
I opened my heart up to forgiveness
To pleasure and joy
To feel and to know me

Things were flowing in the right direction

I had these plans though.. They were to take me to the otherside of the world

My escape plan

I did not feel like I wanted to escape anymore
But I had these plans and I needed to see where they were going to take me
So I went

I applied for several jobs on my arrival to the Uk
As soon as I got there I got sick straight away
Things started to feel like an uphill battle pretty quickly

I was having nightmares, resurfacing traumas, my mind and body was purging

About 2 weeks in
I got an email, this email alerted me to fraudulent transactions from my account
Someone had skimmed my card
I checked my account and there were hundreds of transactions
I called them to make it stop, but it didn’t stop for at least 2 more days

They froze my card and my account and this is where my isolation journey began

Frozen in space and time
On the other side of the world
No access to money
My health on the edge
Hopes of getting a job crumbling

Nursing my purging body and mind
I decided to continue on with the healing path I started walking earlier that year

I spent 90% of those 3 months in a room
Alone
As the southern hemisphere slept

I meditated
I danced
I exercised
I ate plant based
I fasted
I cried
I purged
I had revelations
I dug deep into who I am
My purpose
My intentions

I acknowledged my pain
I validated myself
I cultivated self love within the imperfect person I am
I broke through my comfort zones
I reached out
I shared
I listened
I learnt

I decide to take this approach
To let go of anything I had known and experienced and to start again
From scratch, as a student of life

A beginner

Everything I did was like I was trying it for the first time
Everything I studied was like I’d never heard of it before
I became like a sponge
Soaking everything in to my psyche

After a lot of external knowledge and learning
I leaned into the feeling of silence
The voice within
The wisdom that was ready to channel through me

Every night I would have these nightmares, flash backs
My whole nervous system was in fight or flight constantly
I was having withdrawals and suffering from complex post traumatic stress

Each day I did things that honoured myself,
That nourished me
That moved me
That freed me

I forgave myself daily
I forgave those that misunderstood me
And those that had wronged me

Each day was different
I felt something different each day
This time I allowed it
I didn’t numb it or ignore it

I felt pain
I felt pleasure
I felt trapped
I felt freedom

The only way out was through
I had to embrace each day for what it was

I recounted all the things I was grateful for as I brushed my teeth
I felt those things touch me throughout my being

The days started to lapse and my conditions improved
I gained strength, I gained confidence, I gained connection

I was so far away from home and all my people but I had never felt so connected

As I opened up more publicly, inside of a facebook community I created. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one going through this transition

This empowered me to dig deeper and share more

Being open to others allowed them to see me
To see parts of themselves within me
To know the hope and the strength that lies within each of us

Although a lot changed for me in those 3 month
I had a long journey of healing ahead

Little did I know it would come in waves
Ebbing and flowing
Up and down
Some days I would want to give up
Some days I would make progress
Some days I would relapse

This isolation period taught me so much

I learnt about myself
I discovered my interests
Acknowledged my talents
My strengths and my wins in life

I learnt how to surrender
How to relax
How to be disciplined
How to love
How to forgive
How to find home within myself

The answers are hidden along the journey and we can only uncover the clues as we go

Its up to us to listen
Its up to us to take action
Its up to us to uncover our own answers

Nothing outside of us can save us

Being alone is not the end of the world

Its just the beginning

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